Friday, March 23, 2012

how growing up with a neuro disorder effected my faith

By writing this I'm not trying to blame anyone or the church.I'm also not to try the force my beliefs on everyone.I'm writing about it because I know I'm not the only one to feel this way,and I want to share my experience with others so maybe they can understand what's going on earlier.

There are two mean reasons that ended up effecting my faith in a negative way.One had more to do with how people see me.The other has more to do with the side effects of brain surgery and having a brain condition in general.I'm gonna talk more about the second reason than that the first,because the first reason was more because of anger.When it comes to how people see me it was more than I just wanted to fit in,and that wasn't happening when I was living the "right way" so I made a choice to rebel.I still struggle because of making that choice,even if it was only on purpose for a few years.Now that I'm slowly getting back into read my bible,I've been finding alot of verses or sections that would have helped me alot back then.I know that at least a couple times,someone showed me verses that they knew would help me.But then again I don't know how many people knew what I was going on in my life at the time.

The second reason has to do with what I've been talking about,a mixture of side effects.This includes more than anything having a bad memory,and not being able to focus.Another one that I haven't talked about much is not being able to understand things at least at first,that others at least seem to be able to understand right away.As a kid I was taught that I should memorize bible verses,but that was something that I've never able to do.I'm sure that I can do it,but not in the time that was giving to me.For example when everyone in the same age group was given to verse to remember during the period of time,I always the last to rememeber it long enough to say it.I could do it,but it was discouraging to always be the last.Something else that I couldn't focus long enough in sunday school to finish the assignment that we had in class,and like the rest of my homework school,whatever homework I had in sunday school would never get done.The whole time I've never been able to remember to when my bible etc etc on a regular basis.Then later on it I started going to bible studies,and when sunday school was more in a bible study format I struggled with being able to focus,understand,and remember all over again.This seems to be worse in small groups than anything else.

Even if I was not told that I was,what I was not able to do made me feel like a bad christian.I'm now understanding that this is not the case,and I'm working on getting back to where I used to be when it comes to my faith and relationship with God.This time I've decided to base it on what it should be,not comparing it to anyone else.It's not that I don't want it to be like others,but I need to know that I'm not a bad christian because of this,and I'm not claiming that I am,because I'm not living the way I should be right now.With me it's more I can't or it's harder than me,rather than just not choosing to do it.Thanks for reading :)

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