Well, I haven't been here in a while! It's been a very busy summer with a bathroom remodel, a old-time buggy wagon restoration, farm remodel and me being sick with...what else..shunt issues.
I wanted to touch on something that relates not just to those with Hydrocephalus but everyone that walks with Earth. It's called P.T.S.D. Most people know it as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I call it Please Take Seriously Disorder.
I was diagnosed in 1997 after having gone though a tumultuous marriage and divorce and subsequent issues between my parents that I was put in the middle of. I began therapy in 1999 and only stopped a couple of years ago. Here's a good description:
http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/post-traumatic-stress-disorder
Most people think of P.T.S.D. as something people who have been in war deal with. That is far from true! Only in the last 10 years or so are doctors starting to recognize this condition in various other traumatic issues. If someone has been through anything from physical or emotional abuse or even medical traumas can have this disorder and I fit the bill in both of those areas.
Really, my issues could go back to when I was in school. Most kids didn't understand why I was sick all the time. No one knew how could I be out of school for months at a time and come back looking a lot different than the last time I was there, or why I would come to school with bandages or bandanas on my head. Some people thought I had Cancer or some kind of contagious disease. Most kids were decent to me, but I did have a good share of them who took what they didn't know and turned it into something it wasn't. I learned to take it and even tease myself before anyone could and it eventually got better. That was until I got married.
Whenever my ex and I would argue, he would say things like "If you weren't so stupid" or "Why are you acting like a psycho", etc. That would set me off in ways I now find embarrassing but it eventually tore my marriage apart. Subsequent relationships didn't work out well either because I would think my boyfriends hated me for one reason or another when in reality, I hated myself because I was letting the past control my every day thoughts.
In 1997 after a terrible argument between my parents that led to me having a major emotional breakdown, I went to my room and was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. That was the last thing I remembered because the next thing I knew I woke up in a hospital. A short, stocky guy in a suit was sitting on the edge of my bed and he asked me how I was feeling. Other than a raging headache I thought I was OK. I sat up to talk to him and my stomach started to reel. The guy in the suit asked me if I wanted some water and he had some questions for me. What the hell, I wish this idiot would go away because I just want to sleep. I figured I was there because my shunt failed again, it's not like it was the first time I woke up in a hospital not knowing why!
During our conversation I learned I overdosed...again. No, it wasn't the first time and it certainly wasn't the worst but it would eventually turn out to be the most pivotal. I remember asking him why he even cared, I've never met a neurologist that did. He said he was a Neuropsychoanalyst - basically a doc that studies mind and brain. I asked if attention was brought to him because I had gone as crazy as a person could go. He said the best 4 words I had ever heard a doctor say; "You're far from crazy!". I spent the next week in the hospital being asked every question imaginable when Dr. Small said my issues were caused by P.T.S.D. I had never heard of it but I was very glad to have a name for it!
It's been 16 years now since that visit from the, as he called it, "Small name, long title" lol. I was on meds for years but when my neurologist changed my anti-seizure meds, I had to go off of them and increase the dosage of one of my anti-seizure meds which helps with the "freak outs". I still have issues now and then. For example last year someone called me a retard when I was acting silly. I hadn't told that person my issue with that word but it shut me down immediately and I wasn't able to speak to them for a couple of days. More recently someone had pushed me out of plans that meant a lot to me after we had talked about them for over a month. It reminded me of my childhood when kids would leave me out of something because they thought I was too stupid or embarrassing. I ended up saying some things to that person that I now totally regret and it still puts me in tears to think about it!
This is why I have spent the last 10 years not having too many close relationships. Telling people about my Hydro and shunt and multiple surgeries, etc is bad enough. Most people know what P.T.S.D. is and that has such a negative stigma it's worse than telling people I have a seizure disorder which really freaks people out! I have even had friends tell me it's just an excuse for crying, saying things I don't mean or shutting down so easily. It doesn't give me an excuse not to have friends and be a hermit because I'm afraid a social situation will set me off either, it's just a matter of finding a balance.
So, P.T.S.D. isn't about people who have been in wars panicking when they hear thunder or having bad dreams in their sleep. There are many forms of trauma which means there are many types of P.T.S.D. and doctors are finding more every day. Someone's anger, crying easily or shutting down may because of something they are going through now or have experienced in their past. Maybe they just need someone to talk to instead of being yelled at or ignored. Having Hydro and a lot of health problems with P.T.S.D on top of it is a personal hell to say the least. Going to therapy helped but it's my family and friends who were patient with me that helped the most. I can probably count on one had how many there are but they mean the world to me!
By the way, if you look at the symptoms of P.T.S.D., one of them is difficulty falling or staying asleep. I'm finishing this at 4:30 am...while talking to Tim =)
Friday, September 20, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
Putting things into perspective..
This post is inspired by it being hydrocephalus awareness
(September) and a recent loss of few different people with mutual friends
through the hydrocephalus community on Facebook, one of them being someone that
I had connected with a few years ago and spoke to a few times. Hydrocephalus
has a much survival rate than it used to have 50 years ago. When the modern
shunt was first invented in the early sixties the survival rate was about 5%
and now it's basically the opposite with the survival rate being 95%. It's not
a death but people still die from it and I've lost a few that had spoken to
online, and some have their lives changed traumatically. I have to do with a
lot of pain right now at least partially because of hydrocephalus but I am very
fortunate compared to others.
It's also a lot common than people think
it is too, it’s just that it's a mostly invisible condition so unless you know
what to look for it's a condition where you might never notice that the person
has it or even if something is wrong with them. Hydrocephalus impacts everyone
differently and with some people you can tell that something is wrong a lot
more than others. Personally with me there are things about me where you can
tell pretty well that there is something different with me (especially with my
speech impediment and how I look).
1 in 500 babies are born with
hydrocephalus, and another 6,000 develop it within their first two years of
life (like me). Countless more develop it later on in life due to illness,
injury or other reasons and some that are unknown. It's the most common reason
for brain surgery in children, and the annual costs for hydrocephalus related
procedures alone are more than 2 billion dollars.
Shunts are thought to be a
"cure" by a lot of people who uninformed and that includes some
people who have a shunt, or the family members of the person with one. It's a
treatment and one that has few improvements in the last 60 years and those
improvements has been mostly been few and far between. Some of those
improvements (specifically programmable shunts) have caused more problems
although with some people those problems are worth how much it helps compared
to fixed valves. However with some people who have had fixed valves their whole
lives their bodies have a hard time adjusting to programmable shunts if it
happens at all. I don't mean to scare people by saying this, but I want it to
be taken as a warning just in case. I wouldn't say it if I haven't heard the
same thing from multiple people and have a link telling the story from one of those
people. I'm not a medically professional in any way, and you shouldn't take
advice from me like if I was one of them. What I say on my blog and basically
anywhere else (social media etc etc) should only be taken as someone who has
lived life with the condition and have spoken to many people who have it too.
Although the shunt failure was a lot worse
when they were first invented and the risk of serious injury was a lot worse it
still is a major problem today. Half of all shunts fail during the first 2
years, and after that the failure rate just keeps on going up so unfortunately
we're never in a "safe-zone". Nearly half of all shunt operations are
due to malfunctions, and another 12% are due to infections. Shunt operations
are performed every 15 minutes on average in the United States alone. Shunts
can cause many problems, and most of those things cannot be corrected by
surgery, it's just something that we have to live with.
There is a alternative to shunts, but very
few people qualify for it and it too has a high failure rate. The procedure is
called a Endoscopic third ventriculostomy and it's basically having a
hole put into the wall of a hole put into the third ventricle of the brain so
that the excess spinal fluid can be drained that way instead.
It's also common to think that after you put the shunt in
that we are just "fine". There are many challenges we have to face on
a daily basis because of Hydrocephalus and I have written about many of them.
The problem is that a lot of the problems we have (specifically pain and
neurological issues) are invisible so you don't notice to them and very often
it's not understood by a lot of people. A lot of times it results with people
just thinking that we are lazy or not trying hard enough. In some cases it will
cause bullying, even beyond childhood. I've personally had a lot of trouble
with bullying at work, more at the job that I'm currently at more than any
other. The time period I've been working there has had a lot to do with it (6
years as of this week, and the most I've stayed at any other job was a little
over 2 years). But still if I would have left after 2 years or just counting
the last 2 years that I've been working in my current department I still would
have had to deal with a excessive amount of bullying compared to any other job
I've ever been at. Some of it have been dealt with, but others can’t be proven
that easily or was brought up to management at some point just to be blown off.
We have to deal with a lot of problems growing up and then
as adults that doesn't necessarily isn't directly caused by hydrocephalus, but
it caused by having neurological problems in general. One of the most common
problems is learning disabilities, most commonly nonverbal learning disability
which is also very common with children and adults on the Autism spectrum or
people with attention deficit disorder. So we are commonly thought to have or
are actually misdiagnosed as having one or the other.
Another common problem is bullying as
adults too but more commonly as children. Basically it's done because of how
we're different and children who tend to be the bully look for kids who are
different or are just weaker. I
personally went through for 5 years of physically bullying started in
Kindergarten and ending in Fourth grade. The only times I was asking about it
was when the main kid doing the kid doing the bullying was caught a few times.
The campus monitor would always ask us if he was bullying me but they
would only ask when I was in front of him so I would always agree with him
saying "we're just playing". She would for some reason I don't
understand now accept the answer and not look into it further. I'm not sure if
I would have told her the truth right away if she would just pulled me to the
side and asked again later on, but I did always really wish that she would
have. I never told any teachers or my parents because of threats that was made
to me if I would have ever told and that I know of it was not something that
was always seen by teachers. I know some of my fellow classmates knew about it,
but either nothing was done or they approached me about it but never by trying
to force me to tell a teacher or them telling a teacher themselves. What
finally caused them to be caught was when my mom left my younger brother (who
was 4 at the time) with me at the school while she went home to for a few
minutes (we lived across the street of the Elementary school, and we still do).
What happened next was a normal thing for me but not something that had
happened with my brother around. When my mom left the group of kids came from
wherever they were across the street and jumped us. My mom came back catching
them in the middle of it and let the principal know what was
happening. They got in trouble and after that day I never had any major with
those kids again and even eventually became pretty good friends with a couple
of them. I regret not telling anyone before that day, just because my brother
was dragged into the situation along with me and he ended up being physically hurt
by a group of kids that were twice his age. It's not forgotten and probably
never will be, but at least most of those kids were forgiven a long time ago
even if it was never actually said. I'm not mad or holding any grudges at any
teachers or peers because especially with the teachers they didn't know what
was happening. Most of the time I was targeted was after school was normally
after school when nobody else was around anyway.
If you have a child with hydrocephalus or
any other disability or a caretaker of one like a teacher it's very important
to know the signs of bullying, and if you notice them to question the child if
possible on a one to one level. They might not admit it at first but the
response may indicate it even more so it's important to ask the child more than
once or at least keep a eye on what’s going on.
Another thing that a lot of people about
people don't understand about us is the emotionally problem that
comes with having hydrocephalus. This may include having a hard time showing emotions
when you should or having a hard time controlling them. Personally a problem
has been with anger, although I've have it under control more now than I ever
have before. A big part of it has to do with understanding it more, and that
has helped with a lot of things that has to do with hydrocephalus.
My biggest problem I ever had it with was
when I was going through puberty. Now it's pretty well known that people going
through that period of life has a lot of strange emotions. Imagine having those
emotions with a neurological disorder on top of it that causes emotionally
problems too. It's also about the age where a lot of us with Hydrocephalus
really begin to realize what people think of us, and often it's something that
is taken very hard. Most of time it's something that's not something that we
understand. I don't have any references for this when it comes to links, just
again my personal experiences and hearing other's experiences. In my case and
with many others it can cause us to become really angry at the world, depressed
and in some cases (like mine) have suicidal thoughts.
There's many other problems that come with
the condition that a lot of people don't understand and many of them I've
covered in other posts. You will also find a lot of them in the hydrocephalus
teacher's guide and other links I'll be posting below. Thanks for reading, I
hope I've helped you understand me, yourself or someone in your life a little
bit better. If you have something that you'll like me to talk about in the future
please don't hesitate to ask.
A lot of the facts I used was taken from
the Hydrocephalus Association Facebook page.
Pediatric Hydrocephalus
Foundation,specializing with families with children with hydrocephalus but
not necessarily just them.
More information of Third Ventriculostomy
Signs of being bullied
Signs of suicidal thoughts
Teen depression guide
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