Reflection on journey in struggling with low self esteem/ self hatred with hopes it will help someone else.

At this point I've been writing for two and a half years, and I've covered most of what I've wanted to cover a long time ago. I intend on keeping it up until I manage to completely run out of topics, or if something happens that stops me from getting internet access. This along with other recent topics is something that's been bothering me for a while. Instead of venting I want others to get something out of it, especially if it's someone who younger or just not as self-aware yet.

Through several different stages in life I've become more and more aware of what people think of me and deal with self-hatred on different levels. I've known that I'm different for as long as I can remember but it was when I started school that I learned that my differences could and would be taken advantage and used against any different forms including physical. Over time in Elementary School I realized that my good friends were few and far between. I at least thought that it was because who I am and the major differences seen in me. I now know that people with Hydrocephalus even very young tend to be really socially awkward and anxious, so that probably part of the problem as well. Except for my speech impediment what hit the hardest at the time was in Physical Education when I was always the kid that was last to be picked and had to be forced onto a team. I wouldn't have wanted "me" to be on a sports team either, and I always dreaded having to play anyway. It was just a reminder of the differences I have/had because of Hydrocephalus. I had to acknowledge my shunt when I was asked to play a contact sport but it was almost something that went farther than that and it was almost always something that bothered me.

The second major stage was when I was in the Fifth grade and without my Parent's knowledge or letting me know what was happening I was sent to a Elementary age Track meet and had to race with other special needs kids, except what I thought at the time was obvious and still think to a certain point was that I was far more functioning than all the others. I don't mean disrespect to anyone reading this but except for a couple Special Education classes each year for my learning disability specifically and later on organizational problems I was in normal classes with everyone else and even the Special Education classes including mostly of peers where there's nothing different except for a problem with learning. Of course I don't know what most of my peers thought of me but that definitely caused me to really start to be paranoid about it. Someone that I've mentioned before and did the opposite was the specialist for Adaptive Physical Education when I was in the Fifth grade and Junior High. He really showed a difference in the way he spoke to and treated me compared to another kid with more major disabilities especially when it was a one on one session. I purposely act out more and rebel in the "goodie two shoes" way that I had before because it was obvious to me that it wasn't helping me making any friends. If I would have waited just more year, I would have realized that my good friends in Junior and High school would have accepted me the way I was before. It would have probably saved me a lot of pain later on.

Get to them before they get to you! (Guest blog by Keyt Harrington)

In the past few years a lot of attention has been given to bullies, what they do, why they do it and how to "fix" them. Unfortunately, not much attention is given to those who are bullied at the time it's happening, only when time has passed and the victim has had to spend a big portion of their life in therapy.

I spent my teens and twenties in therapy, but for various reasons. The majority of my bullies were my own family members because I wasn't the perfect child they wanted. That or whenever I was sick they thought I was faking it or looking for attention. Sure, I'm going to go up to a neurosurgeon and say "Hey, would you shave off all my hair, cut open my head and put plastic parts in it just so I can get a little attention around here?". I don't think that would work.
One time while in family therapy the doctor asked my dad why he seemed so distant to me. I'll never forget his exact words: "Because I wanted a normal child, not one that would cost me thousands of dollars to keep alive. I have better things to do with my hard earned money than that!". Yup, that's what I lived with!

Don't get me wrong, I had my bullies in school too. Not many because there's one important lesson I learned early on by having a messed up family; act like they don't bother you. You hear it a lot in discussions about bullies but it really does work! I learned some tricks by watching comedians on tv (this was long before YouTube!) and practicing in the bathroom mirror.

Here are some real examples of things that have been said to me and what I said in return:

Bully: "You're stupid!"
Me:  "At least I know I have a brain, I have pictures of it. Do have any of yours?"

Bully: "Everyone is smarter than you!" (said to me by my 12th grade English teacher!)
Me: "Oh yeah? Not everyone has a pump in their brain making it bionic!"

Bully: "What happened to your hair, did it catch on fire like Michael Jackson's?"
Me: "What happened to your face (pointing to her zits) did you fall in a rose bush?

Dealing with bullies is all about taking them by surprise. Laughing at and teasing a bully in return isn't easy but in almost every case they stopped teasing me as much or quit altogether. Of course a shy person will have a difficult time standing up to a bully in this way so a little practice with someone they know might be in order.

Most bullies act the way they do for two reasons: one is lack of knowledge. They may not understand how much it hurts the person they are attacking or, if that person is disabled they may not know why. Like with me, I don't look sick except for the times I was missing hair or had seizures in class. The other reason is they may have been bullied themselves so they strike out.
In 5th grade my teacher set up an assembly where I got up in front of the whole school with my mom and my teacher. She asked me questions about my hydro and my shunt and I answered them while facing all of the students!! I even went there with an IV bag and an old shunt for props (most docs will give you your old one if you ask for it!). At recess that day my biggest bully, Greg came up to me crying and apologized for being mean to me!! In middle school I had a really great counselor who brought me and a bully into his office to have a chat. It gave me the opportunity to explain how much his words hurt and to tell him why I did the things I did.

Believe me, even at 43 years old words still hurt me. For example, even when I act silly on purpose and someone says "That's retarded!", I get the heebie jeebies! They may use it as a saying but that word shouldn't be used in any situation! Yes I'm slow, can't remember anything from one hour to the next and I stutter. However I am a functioning human being...with feelings...no different than those with less physical or psychological abilities than me! I have learned that those who want to act like children and bash and belittle me are not worth my time and I completely remove them from my life if I can. If I can't then they get the tried and true silent treatment and they don't hear from me unless it's absolutely necessary.

I'm sorry but the walking away from a bully thing that my parents always told me to do doesn't always work. Using a little comedy or explaining your situation does. In today's world it's a little easier with social media because it's easier to hide behind a computer and say what's on your mind that you couldn't say in person. Granted, it may not work if you see your bully every day like if you were in school. A few times I have been known to send emails to the people that were hurting me (as an adult because emails pretty much weren't in use when I was in school lol) and it did work. It might take a little help but there's almost always someone around you who is willing to help. If you can't ask anyone for help, go to a search engine and type in something like 'letters to send to bullies' and you will find some examples!

Now, all of that was speaking to those being bullied. Before I end, I have a couple of things to say to those who bully. Some day you may grow up and find out that person you are picking on is seriously sick, dying or God forbid, dead. Do you want that on your conscience? Do you really think picking on someone makes you a bigger person? Well I have news for you. It's rare that a bully doesn't say the wrong thing to the wrong person and not get hurt at some point. Just like some people who are bullied commit suicide, well some bullies are killed because of what they say. This goes for kids AND for parents!! Think of school shootings. Almost all of the people who did the shooting were bullied at some point. So, which would you rather have, a little temporary fun picking on someone or a bullet to your head? Frankly, I prefer keeping my mouth shut so I can live!
Oh, and you may think everyone likes you because you have a ton of friends? No, they're friends with you because they're scared of you and they feel like they don't have a choice. That's not friendship, dude, that's survival!!

Self-Image/Self-Esteem

My hardest time dealing with my self-image was in high school,when I really started to realise what people think of me.Even though it's something I'm dealing with again lately it's easier because I actually understand what's going on now,and it helps that I don't have to deal with puberty at the same time now.I know other people who have to deal with the same things,and I've learned a lot from them during the last couple years.Getting to know people and going to the hydrocephalus walk last November that it effects who we are,but in different ways and different levels.Rather it's how our brains end up working,or with how well in learn in general.

Since at least when I started school I knew I was different then everyone else,at least when it came to being behind when it came to motor skills and stages.Also I knew that not everyone had a shunt like me,and that's why they could play contact sports and I couldn't and for years that's all it meant to me.I knew it would malfunction at some point but that's not something that I thought about at all.What I did know is that I wasn't potty trained yet and wouldn't be for the rest of the school year,no matter how hard I tried.I knew that I had a speech impediment and unlike everyone else,it was something that I had started a year ago.It was just something that I had to work at though,and that didn't really matter to me.There's other things that I was years behind than everyone else and other than the lack of depth perception and running like a duck I couldn't tie my shoes.Unlike with other things that was something I could hide,and I did my best to do so.I remember the thought of doing some activity at school where I had to take off my shoes would terrify me,because it's not something I wanted to admit.Instead of asking for help,I would just try to hide my shoe laces inside my shoes.

Because I was different in this way,I ended up getting picked on a lot more than I was able to make friends.I had little friends and it was a while before I was able to make new friends,but I managed to keep the same bullies until they finally got caught by someone who was willing to actually do something about it.Even if I knew how different I was,it was all normal to me so I would deal with it without letting it effect me much.By the end of elementry school I was sick of being different and being lonely.I was willing to do anything to just make friends,and I knew that "living the right way" wasn't getting me there.So I changed my behavior to get make people to like me,and I thought it worked.It was when I realised that all I was doing was making a fool of myself,and that a lot of those friends weren't even close to being my friends is when I really started to have problems.

I really began to hate the world,and I didn't understand why I was who I was.I didn't know anyone else with hydrocephalus,and I hadn't had any contact with my neurosurgeon since before I started school,so I didn't know how many ways it could effect me.So I thought for a while that there had to be something wrong with me.My bitterness against the doctors that had told my parents that I didn't have hydrocephalus didn't help either.The reason I could think of that I had a speech impediment and struggled with others,was that I was diagnosed late.

I'm realizing all over again now what people think of me,rather it's with how "worse off" people I think I am or who I actually am.Except this time I know how hydro effects me,and I have others to talk to people about it.I know what I could put my anger into.For example writing is something I used to deal with my anger,and it ended up working better than anything else.It also ended up getting me the help I really needed at the time,because of a couple teachers who realized that I really had a problem.

I'm going to try to work on my blog whenever I had a day off,but for now that's usually going to be different days,because my days off are when my back up person at work can cover shifts.Thanks for reading :)


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my teenage years dealing with a neuro disorder

I'm working really early this week so I'm not going to be able to be online so I won't have time to blog this week,so I might as well get it over with now.This week I want to talk about my challenges with being a teenager with hydrocephalus,most or even all of what I'm going to talk about I had no idea at the time that it has anything to do with having a neurological disorder.Also if your pretty new to reading my blog I want to give a reminder that I've never had any revisions yet,and my shunt is "24+years and draining.." so this post has nothing to do with surgeries.

I tend to be a pack rat and I managed to never throw away a bunch of papers from my last semester of high school until just a couple months ago.While looking through them one last time before getting rid of them I was reminded about what I struggled the most with because of papers from counseling or in class.For example I've always struggled with being able to focus,and the result in class would be unfinished notes.I would start but by the end I would usually lose focus and never get them done.

When going through my counseling notes I noticed that everything that I wrote down that caused me the most stress had to do with hydrocephalus in one way or another.I always had a hard time opening up my locker,partially because of my hands and also I couldn't remember my combination.It wouldn't take long before I just gave up for the whole school and started to carry it all in my backpack.Either way of dealing it would have sucked,but trying to mess with my locker would have just made me late to my classes even more.Another thing that I wrote down that caused me the most stress,was dealing with my emotions.It's something else that I've always struggled with,and it was the first thing I learned about when I started to meet others with the same condition online.Apparently it's a direct effect of "brain problems" and it's something that is likely to only get worse when shunt failure happens.

High school was the biggest point of my life when I realized what people thought of me,but I didn't understand that that's what was causing me to be so angry at the time.Dealing with that,puberty and other problems and not knowing what was going on at all resulted with a lot of anger and I didn't know how to control it or where to put it,so I ended up letting me get really down and let it out on myself.I was also very bitter toward the doctors who had told my parents for a year and a half and that there was "nothing wrong with me".From what I knew I had just figured that my speech impediment and lack of muscle control had to do with the late diagnosis,and I figured that if they would have just diagnosed me on time that none of those problems would exist.I've found out sense that it has nothing to do with it directly,although it might have still something to do with it.I'll never know for sure what caused it,but I'll rather not know.Thanks for reading :)

why I haven't been writing as much

Sorry for the lack of blog entries after the last few weeks,I haven't been writing alot because of the state of mind I was in,which was a bad one.I've been learning alot of hydrocephalus lately and also been understanding more of how people think of me,for the first time since I was a teenager.Thinking of my future dealing with the both was really making me feel down.When I'm feeling down tends to be the best inspiration,and I hate that but it always helps writing about it.During the last week I'm starting to finding peace in it and being able to know about it but not constantly think about.Dealing with how people think of me is a whole different problem and will take a while to fix that.There's also a couple things that will help with that and both are things I've always struggled with,I can blame both on hydrocephalus but I'm not gonna get too much into it.One is communication and that's hard for me because I've been self conscious about my speech since I was a little kid.I don't mean to sound preachy,but the other is getting closer to God again.It's been quite a journey and I've been backsliding since Junior high,sometimes worse than other times and lately it's been worse.No matter what's going on it always seems easier with him,so if you want have the need for something better just let me know and I'll let you know everything I know.Sorry if you believe the opposite or you really don't want to see this on my blog but it's something that needed to be said.

So while I continue to be at peace with this,it does mean that I'll probably not be writing every other week,for now it's something that I'll be posting whenever I can think of something to say and I'll try to figure out how often this will be so it can be on a regular basis again.Thank you for my patience with me even if I said I'll be writing twice a week.If you read this,and don't have facebook or twitter than I can send you a e-mail everytime I write something,just e-mail me at vikingfrogboi@yahoo.com, and thanks for reading :)