Connection between childhood bullying and social anxiety as a adult

I'm going to try to start posting every third week instead of every other week for a while. If that doesn't work well either I'll take a break from writing again. I've made commitments that has to do with Hydrocephalus and social media, I intend on keeping them but other than that I'll like to try to start thinking on the condition less even if dealing with headaches, the way people see me and my speech impediment makes it pretty hard not to. This post has to do with the way people see me, or at least the way that I think people see me.

I can't remember when I started having social anxiety, but I know I had it when the physical bullying stopped close to the end of the 4th grade. I get noticeably anxious in a way, where especially I'm in a group of people that I don't know well that I do what I can to avoid socializing. It also makes me paranoid of what people think of me, and usually gives me the impression that people are picking on me or making fun of me when they're not. If they are it makes me overreact often. Anxiety problems in general has also had an effect on my sleep. I realize that a lot of people have problems sleeping because of anxiety but it's something that's been a constant with me since at least high school a decade ago.

I thought that it was caused directly by Hydrocephalus until about the last year or so. I found on talking a few others and sharing experiences with each other, most of them people that I've met online because of Hydrocephalus but not all of them. I've heard about anxiety disorders, especially Post traumatic stress disorder being the most common, but most of the time it had to do with domestic violence and experiences in the military overseas. I didn't consider it being really traumatic until thinking about my past more recently. It was a pretty constant thing during the school year, and off and on I was being physically hurt during the experiences. Unless something happens or someone says that really reminds me of something that happened I've blocked out in my mind too.

Thanks for reading, this is something that has been bothering me a lot often and I needed to get it out rather or not it was time to write a post. I've got some ideas that I've meaning to work on, but most of my posts are probably going to be more ranting than anything in the near future.

Putting things into perspective..

This post is inspired by it being hydrocephalus awareness (September) and a recent loss of few different people with mutual friends through the hydrocephalus community on Facebook, one of them being someone that I had connected with a few years ago and spoke to a few times. Hydrocephalus has a much survival rate than it used to have 50 years ago. When the modern shunt was first invented in the early sixties the survival rate was about 5% and now it's basically the opposite with the survival rate being 95%. It's not a death but people still die from it and I've lost a few that had spoken to online, and some have their lives changed traumatically. I have to do with a lot of pain right now at least partially because of hydrocephalus but I am very fortunate compared to others.

It's also a lot common than people think it is too, it’s just that it's a mostly invisible condition so unless you know what to look for it's a condition where you might never notice that the person has it or even if something is wrong with them. Hydrocephalus impacts everyone differently and with some people you can tell that something is wrong a lot more than others. Personally with me there are things about me where you can tell pretty well that there is something different with me (especially with my speech impediment and how I look). 

1 in 500 babies are born with hydrocephalus, and another 6,000 develop it within their first two years of life (like me). Countless more develop it later on in life due to illness, injury or other reasons and some that are unknown. It's the most common reason for brain surgery in children, and the annual costs for hydrocephalus related procedures alone are more than 2 billion dollars.

Shunts are thought to be a "cure" by a lot of people who uninformed and that includes some people who have a shunt, or the family members of the person with one. It's a treatment and one that has few improvements in the last 60 years and those improvements has been mostly been few and far between. Some of those improvements (specifically programmable shunts) have caused more problems although with some people those problems are worth how much it helps compared to fixed valves. However with some people who have had fixed valves their whole lives their bodies have a hard time adjusting to programmable shunts if it happens at all. I don't mean to scare people by saying this, but I want it to be taken as a warning just in case. I wouldn't say it if I haven't heard the same thing from multiple people and have a link telling the story from one of those people. I'm not a medically professional in any way, and you shouldn't take advice from me like if I was one of them. What I say on my blog and basically anywhere else (social media etc etc) should only be taken as someone who has lived life with the condition and have spoken to many people who have it too.

Although the shunt failure was a lot worse when they were first invented and the risk of serious injury was a lot worse it still is a major problem today. Half of all shunts fail during the first 2 years, and after that the failure rate just keeps on going up so unfortunately we're never in a "safe-zone". Nearly half of all shunt operations are due to malfunctions, and another 12% are due to infections. Shunt operations are performed every 15 minutes on average in the United States alone. Shunts can cause many problems, and most of those things cannot be corrected by surgery, it's just something that we have to live with.

There is a alternative to shunts, but very few people qualify for it and it too has a high failure rate. The procedure is called a Endoscopic third ventriculostomy and it's basically having a hole put into the wall of a hole put into the third ventricle of the brain so that the excess spinal fluid can be drained that way instead.

It's also common to think that after you put the shunt in that we are just "fine". There are many challenges we have to face on a daily basis because of Hydrocephalus and I have written about many of them. The problem is that a lot of the problems we have (specifically pain and neurological issues) are invisible so you don't notice to them and very often it's not understood by a lot of people. A lot of times it results with people just thinking that we are lazy or not trying hard enough. In some cases it will cause bullying, even beyond childhood. I've personally had a lot of trouble with bullying at work, more at the job that I'm currently at more than any other. The time period I've been working there has had a lot to do with it (6 years as of this week, and the most I've stayed at any other job was a little over 2 years). But still if I would have left after 2 years or just counting the last 2 years that I've been working in my current department I still would have had to deal with a excessive amount of bullying compared to any other job I've ever been at. Some of it have been dealt with, but others can’t be proven that easily or was brought up to management at some point just to be blown off.

We have to deal with a lot of problems growing up and then as adults that doesn't necessarily isn't directly caused by hydrocephalus, but it caused by having neurological problems in general. One of the most common problems is learning disabilities, most commonly nonverbal learning disability which is also very common with children and adults on the Autism spectrum or people with attention deficit disorder. So we are commonly thought to have or are actually misdiagnosed as having one or the other.

Another common problem is bullying as adults too but more commonly as children. Basically it's done because of how we're different and children who tend to be the bully look for kids who are different or  are just weaker. I personally went through for 5 years of physically bullying started in Kindergarten and ending in Fourth grade. The only times I was asking about it was when the main kid doing the kid doing the bullying was caught a few times. The campus monitor would always ask us if he was bullying me but they would only ask when I was in front of him so I would always agree with him saying "we're just playing". She would for some reason I don't understand now accept the answer and not look into it further. I'm not sure if I would have told her the truth right away if she would just pulled me to the side and asked again later on, but I did always really wish that she would have. I never told any teachers or my parents because of threats that was made to me if I would have ever told and that I know of it was not something that was always seen by teachers. I know some of my fellow classmates knew about it, but either nothing was done or they approached me about it but never by trying to force me to tell a teacher or them telling a teacher themselves. What finally caused them to be caught was when my mom left my younger brother (who was 4 at the time) with me at the school while she went home to for a few minutes (we lived across the street of the Elementary school, and we still do). What happened next was a normal thing for me but not something that had happened with my brother around. When my mom left the group of kids came from wherever they were across the street and jumped us. My mom came back catching them in the middle of it and let the principal know what was happening. They got in trouble and after that day I never had any major with those kids again and even eventually became pretty good friends with a couple of them. I regret not telling anyone before that day, just because my brother was dragged into the situation along with me and he ended up being physically hurt by a group of kids that were twice his age. It's not forgotten and probably never will be, but at least most of those kids were forgiven a long time ago even if it was never actually said. I'm not mad or holding any grudges at any teachers or peers because especially with the teachers they didn't know what was happening. Most of the time I was targeted was after school was normally after school when nobody else was around anyway.

If you have a child with hydrocephalus or any other disability or a caretaker of one like a teacher it's very important to know the signs of bullying, and if you notice them to question the child if possible on a one to one level. They might not admit it at first but the response may indicate it even more so it's important to ask the child more than once or at least keep a eye on what’s going on.

Another thing that a lot of people about people don't understand about us is the emotionally problem that comes with having hydrocephalus. This may include having a hard time showing emotions when you should or having a hard time controlling them. Personally a problem has been with anger, although I've have it under control more now than I ever have before. A big part of it has to do with understanding it more, and that has helped with a lot of things that has to do with hydrocephalus. 

My biggest problem I ever had it with was when I was going through puberty. Now it's pretty well known that people going through that period of life has a lot of strange emotions. Imagine having those emotions with a neurological disorder on top of it that causes emotionally problems too. It's also about the age where a lot of us with Hydrocephalus really begin to realize what people think of us, and often it's something that is taken very hard. Most of time it's something that's not something that we understand. I don't have any references for this when it comes to links, just again my personal experiences and hearing other's experiences. In my case and with many others it can cause us to become really angry at the world, depressed and in some cases (like mine) have suicidal thoughts.

There's many other problems that come with the condition that a lot of people don't understand and many of them I've covered in other posts. You will also find a lot of them in the hydrocephalus teacher's guide and other links I'll be posting below. Thanks for reading, I hope I've helped you understand me, yourself or someone in your life a little bit better. If you have something that you'll like me to talk about in the future please don't hesitate to ask.

A lot of the facts I used was taken from the Hydrocephalus Association Facebook page.

https://www.facebook.com/HydroAssoc

http://www.hydroassoc.org/

Pediatric Hydrocephalus Foundation,specializing with families with children with hydrocephalus but not necessarily just them.

http://www.hydrocephaluskids.org/wordpress/

http://www.hydroassoc.org/docs/A_Teachers_Guide_to_Hydrocephalus.pdf

More information of Third Ventriculostomy

http://neurosurgery.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=428

Signs of being bullied

http://info.character.org/blog/bid/128143/19-Signs-Your-Child-Is-Being-Bullied-and-What-to-Do-about-It

Signs of suicidal thoughts

http://www.save.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewpage&page_id=705f4071-99a7-f3f5-e2a64a5a8beaadd8

Teen depression guide

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen.htm

Get to them before they get to you! (Guest blog by Keyt Harrington)

In the past few years a lot of attention has been given to bullies, what they do, why they do it and how to "fix" them. Unfortunately, not much attention is given to those who are bullied at the time it's happening, only when time has passed and the victim has had to spend a big portion of their life in therapy.

I spent my teens and twenties in therapy, but for various reasons. The majority of my bullies were my own family members because I wasn't the perfect child they wanted. That or whenever I was sick they thought I was faking it or looking for attention. Sure, I'm going to go up to a neurosurgeon and say "Hey, would you shave off all my hair, cut open my head and put plastic parts in it just so I can get a little attention around here?". I don't think that would work.
One time while in family therapy the doctor asked my dad why he seemed so distant to me. I'll never forget his exact words: "Because I wanted a normal child, not one that would cost me thousands of dollars to keep alive. I have better things to do with my hard earned money than that!". Yup, that's what I lived with!

Don't get me wrong, I had my bullies in school too. Not many because there's one important lesson I learned early on by having a messed up family; act like they don't bother you. You hear it a lot in discussions about bullies but it really does work! I learned some tricks by watching comedians on tv (this was long before YouTube!) and practicing in the bathroom mirror.

Here are some real examples of things that have been said to me and what I said in return:

Bully: "You're stupid!"
Me:  "At least I know I have a brain, I have pictures of it. Do have any of yours?"

Bully: "Everyone is smarter than you!" (said to me by my 12th grade English teacher!)
Me: "Oh yeah? Not everyone has a pump in their brain making it bionic!"

Bully: "What happened to your hair, did it catch on fire like Michael Jackson's?"
Me: "What happened to your face (pointing to her zits) did you fall in a rose bush?

Dealing with bullies is all about taking them by surprise. Laughing at and teasing a bully in return isn't easy but in almost every case they stopped teasing me as much or quit altogether. Of course a shy person will have a difficult time standing up to a bully in this way so a little practice with someone they know might be in order.

Most bullies act the way they do for two reasons: one is lack of knowledge. They may not understand how much it hurts the person they are attacking or, if that person is disabled they may not know why. Like with me, I don't look sick except for the times I was missing hair or had seizures in class. The other reason is they may have been bullied themselves so they strike out.
In 5th grade my teacher set up an assembly where I got up in front of the whole school with my mom and my teacher. She asked me questions about my hydro and my shunt and I answered them while facing all of the students!! I even went there with an IV bag and an old shunt for props (most docs will give you your old one if you ask for it!). At recess that day my biggest bully, Greg came up to me crying and apologized for being mean to me!! In middle school I had a really great counselor who brought me and a bully into his office to have a chat. It gave me the opportunity to explain how much his words hurt and to tell him why I did the things I did.

Believe me, even at 43 years old words still hurt me. For example, even when I act silly on purpose and someone says "That's retarded!", I get the heebie jeebies! They may use it as a saying but that word shouldn't be used in any situation! Yes I'm slow, can't remember anything from one hour to the next and I stutter. However I am a functioning human being...with feelings...no different than those with less physical or psychological abilities than me! I have learned that those who want to act like children and bash and belittle me are not worth my time and I completely remove them from my life if I can. If I can't then they get the tried and true silent treatment and they don't hear from me unless it's absolutely necessary.

I'm sorry but the walking away from a bully thing that my parents always told me to do doesn't always work. Using a little comedy or explaining your situation does. In today's world it's a little easier with social media because it's easier to hide behind a computer and say what's on your mind that you couldn't say in person. Granted, it may not work if you see your bully every day like if you were in school. A few times I have been known to send emails to the people that were hurting me (as an adult because emails pretty much weren't in use when I was in school lol) and it did work. It might take a little help but there's almost always someone around you who is willing to help. If you can't ask anyone for help, go to a search engine and type in something like 'letters to send to bullies' and you will find some examples!

Now, all of that was speaking to those being bullied. Before I end, I have a couple of things to say to those who bully. Some day you may grow up and find out that person you are picking on is seriously sick, dying or God forbid, dead. Do you want that on your conscience? Do you really think picking on someone makes you a bigger person? Well I have news for you. It's rare that a bully doesn't say the wrong thing to the wrong person and not get hurt at some point. Just like some people who are bullied commit suicide, well some bullies are killed because of what they say. This goes for kids AND for parents!! Think of school shootings. Almost all of the people who did the shooting were bullied at some point. So, which would you rather have, a little temporary fun picking on someone or a bullet to your head? Frankly, I prefer keeping my mouth shut so I can live!
Oh, and you may think everyone likes you because you have a ton of friends? No, they're friends with you because they're scared of you and they feel like they don't have a choice. That's not friendship, dude, that's survival!!