Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Reflection on journey in struggling with low self esteem/ self hatred with hopes it will help someone else.

At this point I've been writing for two and a half years, and I've covered most of what I've wanted to cover a long time ago. I intend on keeping it up until I manage to completely run out of topics, or if something happens that stops me from getting internet access. This along with other recent topics is something that's been bothering me for a while. Instead of venting I want others to get something out of it, especially if it's someone who younger or just not as self-aware yet.

Through several different stages in life I've become more and more aware of what people think of me and deal with self-hatred on different levels. I've known that I'm different for as long as I can remember but it was when I started school that I learned that my differences could and would be taken advantage and used against any different forms including physical. Over time in Elementary School I realized that my good friends were few and far between. I at least thought that it was because who I am and the major differences seen in me. I now know that people with Hydrocephalus even very young tend to be really socially awkward and anxious, so that probably part of the problem as well. Except for my speech impediment what hit the hardest at the time was in Physical Education when I was always the kid that was last to be picked and had to be forced onto a team. I wouldn't have wanted "me" to be on a sports team either, and I always dreaded having to play anyway. It was just a reminder of the differences I have/had because of Hydrocephalus. I had to acknowledge my shunt when I was asked to play a contact sport but it was almost something that went farther than that and it was almost always something that bothered me.

The second major stage was when I was in the Fifth grade and without my Parent's knowledge or letting me know what was happening I was sent to a Elementary age Track meet and had to race with other special needs kids, except what I thought at the time was obvious and still think to a certain point was that I was far more functioning than all the others. I don't mean disrespect to anyone reading this but except for a couple Special Education classes each year for my learning disability specifically and later on organizational problems I was in normal classes with everyone else and even the Special Education classes including mostly of peers where there's nothing different except for a problem with learning. Of course I don't know what most of my peers thought of me but that definitely caused me to really start to be paranoid about it. Someone that I've mentioned before and did the opposite was the specialist for Adaptive Physical Education when I was in the Fifth grade and Junior High. He really showed a difference in the way he spoke to and treated me compared to another kid with more major disabilities especially when it was a one on one session. I purposely act out more and rebel in the "goodie two shoes" way that I had before because it was obvious to me that it wasn't helping me making any friends. If I would have waited just more year, I would have realized that my good friends in Junior and High school would have accepted me the way I was before. It would have probably saved me a lot of pain later on.

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