Writing therapy

At the point I have about 5 months of backlog, but there's some things that I need to get off my chest and personally the best way for me to do this is through writing. I've already started to tackle some of these issues privately through close and trusted friends and will continue doing that with matters that need to or I prefer to be private. At the same time I'll be using this blog for things that I don't mind being public. I don't expect to get much feedback when I'm using my blog as "writing therapy" if at all but it still helps a lot more than keeping it to myself, and I've figured out solutions just by writing my thoughts.

I'm going to start with a problem that was a bigger problem growing up in the church, and problem affected my grades in school than it has been in any part of my life (but thinking about it, it has probably had some kind of negative affect on every part of my life). My topic for this post is giving up easily and ended up not finishing a task, especially when it's something that needs to be done in writing. It's discouraging to think about it but it's something I've been working on reversing for a few years. It's also definitely Hydrocephalus related but it's a state of mind that can be caused by other underlying problems. It's a personal topic, but it's something that I know it's something people can relate to, with or without Hydrocephalus, or even a learning disability. I also mean it as a warning, so whatever it is they would cause someone to not do as well, rather it's grades in school or something else that at least partially they can at least start to overcome the problem earlier than later. I don't mean to say that it's a problem that everyone who see's this has, but based on prior research I've done for my blog and communicating with others with Hydrocephalus during the last several years I can say it's pretty likely.

Thinking back to school it was probably the biggest problem in the classroom, when it came to note taking. I couldn't focus on writing what I heard very well unless the teacher was very persistent about it, which I hated back then but I'm very grateful for it now. I could have gotten a late start to it but I wouldn't because I felt like a failure from the start. I had the same problem when it came to keeping up with planners and similar things, especially when we had to fill them at a certain time altogether in class but the idea was dropped a few days or a few weeks into the school year. That didn't matter though because I remember actually thinking from the very start that it wasn't going to work out so I didn't even try it out. I should have tried to think of a solution or approach someone for help, but at that point (6th grade), I had already grown to hate school. The transition from Elementary to Middle School ended up being a bombshell, and I made a personal decision to not really try at all, which didn't change until the last year or two of High School. I'm not sure how I ended up only being one semester late to graduating or how I finished at all. The result of not taking notes or trying to keep up with a planner was constantly forgetting homework assignments especially after I decided to not really care in the first place. The result of both not taking notes and not doing homework assignments were failing tests. The obvious end result was failing half my classes and having to take some classes up to 3 times. If I knew then what I knew now, I definitely would have pushed myself harder to write notes even when it wasn't seen as necessary (as in when reading a text book) because just by writing something down helps me a lot when it comes to processing that information. Like at work I need to write a list to remember what needs to be put out next (I'm a Produce Clerk for a division of Kroger). If I don't do it my memory fails me and I usually don't remember anything. If I do write down a list however I usually can remember everything that needs to be put out without having to go back and check the list. If I had done this in school I might have passed a few tests.

I grew up in the Evangelical church, and except for a 2 year period when I first really start to get fed up with the way my life was going, and how that related to God and Church. I've dug deeper on this subject before and I intend to again in the near future. Something that really frustrating me for a long time which really frustrated me as a kid, and in a different way as a young adult until I left the church a 2nd time was the note taking issue. When I was a kid it was filling out a little form in Sunday School, where there was a part typed up already and then a place that needed to be filled out. I recall started it usually but then I would lose my focus, and give up as soon as I missed something. There was a 2nd assignment that we had to do during the week that I always managed to not do, so that didn't help to encourage me to push myself a little bit harder.  When I got old enough to be expected to pay attention to a sermon, which was made worse when I decided to switch churches and taking notes was sort of expected. I couldn't process information from the sermon well, and I still had the same mind set that I had when it came to taking notes when I was in High School. Also when I got older everything switched to a bible study format which caused a lot of different other problems which I'll touch on at another time. 

There might be (and probably is) a bigger solution but what I know now that I wished I would have known earlier is being encouraged to (which usually means encouraging myself) to just pick up where I left track because it would help a lot more to miss a few points than to miss the whole thing. It's a really simple concept but if it wasn't obvious to me, I can assume that it might not be obvious to other people as well. I hope that the most recent time that it was mentioned to me wasn't the first, but it was better timing than any other time since I'm in the process against a lot things where the underlying cause is Hydrocephalus. It also fits in well with one of the major things I've slowly been working on, persistence. It's a uphill battle and I'll probably never get my persistence to the point where it could be if my skull wasn't a fish bowl and if I didn't have medical tubing pushed through my brain. If you're not aware of what any kind of brain damage or neurological disorders can and will do to your brain, I'll probably get crap for doubting myself and talking about persistence at the same time but unfortunately it's the truth. 

For anyone that's in school, or has a kid with Hydrocephalus or a similar condition that results in a learning disability I want to close with a tip. I'm not professional at all unless you need someone to pick out a good avocado or watermelon for you, but I'm writing this from my own experiences and what I've learned through personal research and paying a little more attention the last few years. My advice is to write down as much as possible (or at least when possible). I assume taking notes in class can be rough, but it might really help when it comes to studying at home. With notes it's might help to reminded that it's okay to miss some points as long as you try to focus again after you realizing that you're missing those points.

When it comes to church just being aware that it's okay to miss points during childhood Sunday School would have helped a lot. Taking notes will stick suck rather, and I'm glad that it's something that I don't have to worry about. The church I've been attending on and off for four years consistently has forms that is somewhat like the ones I described having in Sunday School class as a kid. I make it a point to always to fill them out, and just by doing that helps a lot. This is also something I wish I would have known a lot. I know that people who read my blog has many different views on religion but if you do ever attend some kind of religious service I definitely recommend trying to take some kind of notes, even if there's no form provided.If you have a kid with Hydrocephalus or a similar condition or are a Sunday School teacher or have a similar position to a kid with some kind of intellectual disability, no matter how small of one it wouldn't hurt to use a reminder if you see someone struggling. Again, I realize that not everyone can relate to the church part but I write a lot about personal experience, and it was a really big part of my life when I was a kid, and it's starting to become a big idea again but from a different perspective. 

Thanks for reading, I really hope you the reader got something encouraging out of this.

Reflection on journey in struggling with low self esteem/ self hatred with hopes it will help someone else.

At this point I've been writing for two and a half years, and I've covered most of what I've wanted to cover a long time ago. I intend on keeping it up until I manage to completely run out of topics, or if something happens that stops me from getting internet access. This along with other recent topics is something that's been bothering me for a while. Instead of venting I want others to get something out of it, especially if it's someone who younger or just not as self-aware yet.

Through several different stages in life I've become more and more aware of what people think of me and deal with self-hatred on different levels. I've known that I'm different for as long as I can remember but it was when I started school that I learned that my differences could and would be taken advantage and used against any different forms including physical. Over time in Elementary School I realized that my good friends were few and far between. I at least thought that it was because who I am and the major differences seen in me. I now know that people with Hydrocephalus even very young tend to be really socially awkward and anxious, so that probably part of the problem as well. Except for my speech impediment what hit the hardest at the time was in Physical Education when I was always the kid that was last to be picked and had to be forced onto a team. I wouldn't have wanted "me" to be on a sports team either, and I always dreaded having to play anyway. It was just a reminder of the differences I have/had because of Hydrocephalus. I had to acknowledge my shunt when I was asked to play a contact sport but it was almost something that went farther than that and it was almost always something that bothered me.

The second major stage was when I was in the Fifth grade and without my Parent's knowledge or letting me know what was happening I was sent to a Elementary age Track meet and had to race with other special needs kids, except what I thought at the time was obvious and still think to a certain point was that I was far more functioning than all the others. I don't mean disrespect to anyone reading this but except for a couple Special Education classes each year for my learning disability specifically and later on organizational problems I was in normal classes with everyone else and even the Special Education classes including mostly of peers where there's nothing different except for a problem with learning. Of course I don't know what most of my peers thought of me but that definitely caused me to really start to be paranoid about it. Someone that I've mentioned before and did the opposite was the specialist for Adaptive Physical Education when I was in the Fifth grade and Junior High. He really showed a difference in the way he spoke to and treated me compared to another kid with more major disabilities especially when it was a one on one session. I purposely act out more and rebel in the "goodie two shoes" way that I had before because it was obvious to me that it wasn't helping me making any friends. If I would have waited just more year, I would have realized that my good friends in Junior and High school would have accepted me the way I was before. It would have probably saved me a lot of pain later on.

What I wish I would have known about Hydrocephalus as a kid (part 2)

This is the second part of a post that I wrote several months ago, and intended to finish a lot sooner or not at all. Part of the reason why I'm writing a second part to it now is so that I could refer to it later on instead of writing a post that will end up being several pages long. The link below is the first part.

http://timothy-landry.blogspot.com/2013/07/what-i-wish-i-would-have-known-about.html

If you're someone I've known for more than 5 years you its most likely to never have known that I have Hydrocephalus. It was someone that my teachers knew about but wasn't spoken about unless it was somehow brought up or on a need to know basis. Especially at church, I'm not sure who was told about and who wasn't. I assume that more of my caregivers were told about it when I was younger and my speech was still pretty limited. I only started to tell people about it when my actual started to become a problem in 2009. I started talking to other people with Hydrocephalus on Facebook at the same time, and everyday challenges with Hydrocephalus were brought up early on and it sparked a interest. It wasn't until then that it's normal for people with Hydrocephalus to have the same problems learning as me.

My source is the Hydrocephalus Association's teacher's guide's third section which explains a lot of the problems I had in school and church, most of them I didn't think of having to do with Hydrocephalus. The first couple of things that I could really relate to in the guide have to do specifically with Nonverbal learning disability. It mentions that problems seem to become more noticeable around junior high and children (and of course adults) with Hydrocephalus or just nonverbal learning disability tend to have problems with math. I did start to really struggle during the last couple years of elementary more than before, and it got worse during the transition from Elementary to junior high. With math I had a few setbacks but I did pretty well until high school Algebra. I ended up graduating high school without ever actually passing Algebra or Geometry. They would have me take a lower math class and I would do great, but when I would try Algebra I bomb and fail the class every time.

Something else that's mentioned in the guide is Fine motor skills, which I'm sure which a problem was because how big of a problem it was outside of school but it's something that was easier to deal with in school than anything else. It's something that's mistaken less for a lack of effort, and it's something that I always knew had to do with Hydrocephalus. I remember it being a bigger problem at church specifically for the mid-week Boy Scout type programs for elementary school aged kids. During the first couple years it just meant that I had to ask someone to help me cut paper for projects, but later on when the projects were more about learning to tie different knots and building birdhouses I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I was getting really frustrated a few weeks in and the amount of issues I had with fine motor skills was beyond just asking for help once in a while. The one specific experience having to do with fine motor skills that I have to do with school is when they had all the students tie a ribbon to a fence to make some sort of design or to spell something. I got anxious knowing that I wasn't able to and ended up having to admit that I couldn't do when I was questioned about it by a staff member and watch her tie it for me in front of my peers. It also mentions handwriting which I got a lot of help with from a teacher in elementary but it's something I still have some problems with especially if the paper I'm using doesn't have lines. It's eligible though and usually when I have to write a lot it's done on a computer.

The first thing that comes to mind in the visual motor skills section is finding my place in a book which was a problem then and still ends up being a problem once in a while in the workplace. It's also probably what caused me to not be able to space things out very well when I had to draw.

The next part of the section is organizational skills which automatically think of struggling to make and break habits, which would result and still does end up resulting in things not being done either because I would constantly forget to do something day after day or because of letting things, specifically assignments in school get organized. The few times I tried to use a organizer to write down my assignments it would last a few days but as soon as it was something that wasn't strictly in forced I would begin to forget about it which pretty much killed the purpose of having it in the first place. I would also consistently not use folders and toss stuff into my backpack which would result in a black whole effect and by the time I would find it again it would be crumpled up or not even in one piece. I think this is one of the major things that would have helped a lot if it was known about. It was the major reason why I was kept in special education classes. I don't know if it could have been handled differently, but if it could have it sure would have helped. The section also mentions not being able to follow a set of instructions which definitely was and still is a problem, especially if it was verbal instructions as a group. I would get stuck on something and get a few steps behind and not be able to complete the assignment.

Memory was something that was clearly a problem very early on at church when each of the kids would be asked to memorize a verse and they would erase one word at a time. I would always be the last to remember and be able to recite it. It was frustrating especially in front of everyone else but it meant a lot to me that the group leader wouldn't give up until I got it or get noticeable frustrated with me. It became a problem in junior high when I couldn't answer questions or recite something right after I read something in a text book or essay. It continued to be a problem in all through school but it was so frustrating my first year that I didn't put much effort into it and get by with really low grades and ending up not finishing high school on time. It's something that's even more frustrating in church small groups which have made me try to avoid anything where small groups are part of it.

The last section I'm going to mention is attention problems. There are a few sections that I've skipped but this is a long enough post without them, so I just picked the ones I could personally relate the most to. If you're interested I encourage you to check out the guide or even just that specific section. Struggling with attention ended up resulting almost has to go on Ritalin and being misdiagnosed with attention deficit disorder. This and memory effected my school performance too more than other things, and if it was possible it would have really helped getting more help in these two areas.

Thanks for reading, I hope that I've hope you understand me, yourself or whoever you may know that has Hydrocephalus or nonverbal learning disability. I hope that I've helped someone get something out of this, and make things easier for you. I'm going to write more about this subject in the next couple of months and my next post will be the one that is going to refer to this one. Below is a few links to Hydrocephalus foundations and the teacher guide I've been referring to and also a sample of my handwriting that I sent to a friend.


http://www.hydroassoc.org/docs/A_Teachers_Guide_to_Hydrocephalus.pdf

http://www.hydroassoc.org/

Pediatric Hydrocephalus Foundation--> http://www.hydrocephaluskids.org/wordpress/

This is a sample of my handwriting that I sent to a friend. I decided to make my handwriting more creative to entertain a couple of teachers in the process of doing my work. It worked and it's something that stuck, but ended up getting more sloppy over the years. Notice how the spacing is off? The size of the letters is kind of too but that's the main thing a teacher in Elementary school helped me with.

Connection between childhood bullying and social anxiety as a adult

I'm going to try to start posting every third week instead of every other week for a while. If that doesn't work well either I'll take a break from writing again. I've made commitments that has to do with Hydrocephalus and social media, I intend on keeping them but other than that I'll like to try to start thinking on the condition less even if dealing with headaches, the way people see me and my speech impediment makes it pretty hard not to. This post has to do with the way people see me, or at least the way that I think people see me.

I can't remember when I started having social anxiety, but I know I had it when the physical bullying stopped close to the end of the 4th grade. I get noticeably anxious in a way, where especially I'm in a group of people that I don't know well that I do what I can to avoid socializing. It also makes me paranoid of what people think of me, and usually gives me the impression that people are picking on me or making fun of me when they're not. If they are it makes me overreact often. Anxiety problems in general has also had an effect on my sleep. I realize that a lot of people have problems sleeping because of anxiety but it's something that's been a constant with me since at least high school a decade ago.

I thought that it was caused directly by Hydrocephalus until about the last year or so. I found on talking a few others and sharing experiences with each other, most of them people that I've met online because of Hydrocephalus but not all of them. I've heard about anxiety disorders, especially Post traumatic stress disorder being the most common, but most of the time it had to do with domestic violence and experiences in the military overseas. I didn't consider it being really traumatic until thinking about my past more recently. It was a pretty constant thing during the school year, and off and on I was being physically hurt during the experiences. Unless something happens or someone says that really reminds me of something that happened I've blocked out in my mind too.

Thanks for reading, this is something that has been bothering me a lot often and I needed to get it out rather or not it was time to write a post. I've got some ideas that I've meaning to work on, but most of my posts are probably going to be more ranting than anything in the near future.

Media views on Hydrocephalus: Miracle in Lane 2

This blog along with several others that I've done is about well-known people with Hydrocephalus or shows or movies that have focused on it. I've written about most of the well-known people that have Hydrocephalus that I know of. Now I want to focus on shows and movies which involve more research, which is why I haven't written about this topic in a while.

I'm focusing on a made for TV movie this week that originally aired and used to be played frequently on the Disney channel. The movie originally aired when I was in the 8th grade (2000). At the time I didn't know anyone else with Hydrocephalus. I discovered the Hydrocephalus and talked to a few people from a Hydrocephalus e-mail group but I wouldn't meet anyone in person or really connect with anybody with it online for almost a decade. Also at the time my only surgery was when my shunt was placed at 16 months, and rarely had headaches. Currently I've been having headaches and migraines on a daily basis but for now I'm revision free still. I had and still have other problems that have to do with my Hydrocephalus but not the childhood brain surgeries that most kids with Hydrocephalus experience. I realized that on average normally people with Hydrocephalus would have to have a shunt revision every 2 or 3 years, so I knew that in that way I was different than the main character in the movie and most people with Hydrocephalus. It's also why I avoided talking about Hydrocephalus with others because I felt like I was a poser because of the lack of surgeries I've had. What changed that ended up being the first person I met on Facebook who had part of his experiences with Hydrocephalus on his profile. He's about 25 years older than I am and only has had a few surgeries since childhood and his current shunt is about the same age as mine. I met a lot of others with Hydrocephalus through him within a pretty short period of time, and the first few were within the next couple of days. Another of those few people was someone who has become one of my closest friends out of all the people I've met online, had a revision free childhood and had his first surgery when he was a adult a year or two before I met him.

The movie is a true story about a kid living with Hydrocephalus and Spina bifida named Justin Yoder. The movie is about how was inspired to become a boxcar racer and win. His family fought a rule that you could only use a foot brake and not a hand brake. Even if I didn't had to deal with surgeries or being in a wheelchair there was parts of the movie I could relate in one way or another. It didn't matter much to me because neither of my siblings played sports, but contact sports was the one thing that I was told not to do so I wouldn't get hurt and ending up damaging my shunt, so I would have to sit out a lot of the time. When it came to his family talking about his surgeries, the struggle to play medical bills and also his revision during the movie I could relate to it because I knew that it could happen to me without warning too even if it's something I never experienced. Our finances were usually tight growing up, so that made the thought of the possible emergency surgery more stressful.

There's a link to a site where you can stream the movie online. It does ask you to download a movie player but the movie should play without needing to download anything. Thanks for reading :)



http://putlocker.bz/watch-miracle-in-lane-2-online-free-putlocker.html