Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Self-Image/Self-Esteem

My hardest time dealing with my self-image was in high school,when I really started to realise what people think of me.Even though it's something I'm dealing with again lately it's easier because I actually understand what's going on now,and it helps that I don't have to deal with puberty at the same time now.I know other people who have to deal with the same things,and I've learned a lot from them during the last couple years.Getting to know people and going to the hydrocephalus walk last November that it effects who we are,but in different ways and different levels.Rather it's how our brains end up working,or with how well in learn in general.

Since at least when I started school I knew I was different then everyone else,at least when it came to being behind when it came to motor skills and stages.Also I knew that not everyone had a shunt like me,and that's why they could play contact sports and I couldn't and for years that's all it meant to me.I knew it would malfunction at some point but that's not something that I thought about at all.What I did know is that I wasn't potty trained yet and wouldn't be for the rest of the school year,no matter how hard I tried.I knew that I had a speech impediment and unlike everyone else,it was something that I had started a year ago.It was just something that I had to work at though,and that didn't really matter to me.There's other things that I was years behind than everyone else and other than the lack of depth perception and running like a duck I couldn't tie my shoes.Unlike with other things that was something I could hide,and I did my best to do so.I remember the thought of doing some activity at school where I had to take off my shoes would terrify me,because it's not something I wanted to admit.Instead of asking for help,I would just try to hide my shoe laces inside my shoes.

Because I was different in this way,I ended up getting picked on a lot more than I was able to make friends.I had little friends and it was a while before I was able to make new friends,but I managed to keep the same bullies until they finally got caught by someone who was willing to actually do something about it.Even if I knew how different I was,it was all normal to me so I would deal with it without letting it effect me much.By the end of elementry school I was sick of being different and being lonely.I was willing to do anything to just make friends,and I knew that "living the right way" wasn't getting me there.So I changed my behavior to get make people to like me,and I thought it worked.It was when I realised that all I was doing was making a fool of myself,and that a lot of those friends weren't even close to being my friends is when I really started to have problems.

I really began to hate the world,and I didn't understand why I was who I was.I didn't know anyone else with hydrocephalus,and I hadn't had any contact with my neurosurgeon since before I started school,so I didn't know how many ways it could effect me.So I thought for a while that there had to be something wrong with me.My bitterness against the doctors that had told my parents that I didn't have hydrocephalus didn't help either.The reason I could think of that I had a speech impediment and struggled with others,was that I was diagnosed late.

I'm realizing all over again now what people think of me,rather it's with how "worse off" people I think I am or who I actually am.Except this time I know how hydro effects me,and I have others to talk to people about it.I know what I could put my anger into.For example writing is something I used to deal with my anger,and it ended up working better than anything else.It also ended up getting me the help I really needed at the time,because of a couple teachers who realized that I really had a problem.

I'm going to try to work on my blog whenever I had a day off,but for now that's usually going to be different days,because my days off are when my back up person at work can cover shifts.Thanks for reading :)


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